The Moist Secrets of Koh Chang - Page 2
Of the eight girls, only one had been on the Koh Samet shoot. Nicknamed Monkey, for reasons not too clear as in no way could she live up to the encyclopaedia’s definition of the hairy primate as having ‘highly developed brains’, she accompanied the Secrets vehicle. Also in this vehicle was Squeaker, a hostess who barely uttered a sound louder than a suppressed fart for the entire trip; Garn, whose false eyelashes looked as if they were made of some rare natural fibre and probably cost enough to send the nation of Nauru broke; and Took, a vibrantly friendly hostess with blond tresses (we can assure readers they weren’t ‘natural’), who would be responsible for one of the last and most entertaining acts of the expedition.
While Ben was at the wheel of his powerful vehicle I was in command of the steering column in the Secrets bordello, a fact that didn’t seem to inspire confidence in the four young ladies in the rear seats. Almost as soon as we were underway and they’d experienced a measure of my driving, they all reached for their seatbelts, surely a rarity on Thai roads.
We entertained each other with a few songs, the most memorable of which was a poor rendition of the catchy Thai pop song ‘Me Panda, Me Panda’. As the title might suggest it is a paean to the Panda, as well as to people with very black circles under their eyes: a perfect tune for a girl of nocturnal habits. Of course, by the time we had been on the road for a couple of hours they were all asleep, but the ‘Me Panda’ song made a number of reprises throughout the trip.
At our only stop -in Trat to refuel- the girls, disappointed with the paucity of aural stimulation emanating from the local radio stations, convinced Hah-Sip to purchase two dance-style CD’s. To say the music all sounded the same would be a gross understatement. The throbbing bass beat never varied whether the song was the hip-hop version of ‘Desperado’, ‘Against All Odds’ or the ‘1812 Overture’.
We caught the midday car ferry for the 40-minute trip across the calm waters from the mainland to Koh Chang, assembling upstairs on the vessel. Despite its large size and bulk, all eight girls congregated where the life-jackets had been placed on the seats. At least they were consistent in their lack of confidence regarding the drivers of both land and sea vehicles.
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